Redlow.net's Interview with God

Interview With God (Part I)
By: Redlow.net

Recently, we here at Redlow.net collectively (um.. that means me. Redlow. and Daedin.. but she wasn't a part of this interview) had an opportunity to interview the creator of the universe, God. God wasn't exactly who we expected him to be, but you know how it is. People never are exactly what you expect them to be.

But I digress, first was the matter of getting the interview. Normal methods - calling God's agent, asking him in person - were options we chose not to pursue because well.. those required death. Death is step we aren't prepared to take here at Redlow.net. So - we sent a carrier pidgeon to his headquarters in Heaven. Killing the pidgeon so that its soul could fly up to Heaven was a bit gruesome, but in the end, we got the interview.

Redlow.net (RDL) On behalf of our readers, I welcome you and thank you for taking time out from your day for this interview.
GOD Oh, it's no problem. You see, I am everywhere, everything, and everytime. I can conduct this interview, check the locks on the gates of hell, and stop the anti-christ from killing you five years from now. All at the same time.
RDL Wow! I'm going to meet the anti-christ?
GOD No, you've already met him.
RDL Huh. I would have thought I'd have realized I met someone so evil.
GOD Yeah, he's a tricky little devil.
RDL That was so clever.
GOD Oh, I know.
RDL So, God, tell me. Where do you see the computer industry in say.. 10 years?
GOD In all honesty, I'm not sure that is a fair question to ask me. I am all knowing, remember. I can tell you exactly where it will be with one hundred percent certainty. Just like I can tell you that, also with one hundred percent certainty, you still will not have had hot sex.
RDL *nervous laughter*
GOD Ah, I'm just kidding.
RDL Really?
GOD No. But anyway - about the computer industry. You may expect some high tech Virtual Reality technology or some holograms to replace monitors. Or perhaps some sort of chip implants that store your memories onto a hard drive to be recovered later and played. But you'd be wrong. Personal Computers have been around for 20 years now. In that time, what have you seen? Modems.. and.. well? Color monitors? And? There haven't been any big break throughs have there? You already know where computers will be in ten years, don't you?
RDL Held back by mega-corporations who refuse to release new technologies?
GOD Bingo. Here's what you'll have: Standard flat screen monitors. HDVD.. which is just DvD that can hold twice as much. Big woop. Voice recognition will be mainstream for about a year.. then it'll die out because people won't like the feeling that they're talking to a machine or in some cases the feeling that they're talking to themselves. And that's everything major.
RDL How bleak and depressing.
GOD Give the industry thirty years and you'll see some major changes. Unfortunately, by that time the apocolypse will come and in the aftermath my headquarters will be moved to earth.. which will eliminate the need for computers.
RDL I see.
GOD Indeed.
RDL Ahh..
GOD You're worried that there will be no more porn, aren't you?
RDL You really ARE all knowing!
GOD Don't worry, there will still be porn.
RDL Whew! Okay.. well, some of our viewers are probably wondering: What sort of Online Gaming do you do?
GOD Well. I did play a lot of Diablo. That finally got old after a year or so. It took a while though - let me tell you; slaughtering the dark minions of hell repeatedly takes a long time to get old. I thought about playing UO or EQ but I've heard they're the work of the devil. I guess I don't do much online gaming, I guess.
RDL Is there any game in production that you are eagerly awaiting?
GOD Oh yeah! The Sims Online! I can really relate to that game, you know?
RDL I'd imagine. Do you have any advice for aspiring gamers out there? Or even aspiring gods?
GOD As for aspiring gods - all you infidels will die horrible deaths and burn in ETERNAL DAMNATION in the firey pits of hell!!! *cough* As for gamers.. I suggest church. Much prayer and church.
RDL Oh, that reminds me of something I've always wanted to ask you.
GOD Oh yeah?
RDL Which religion is right?
GOD This interview is over. I will not say another word until I've had a chance to consult with my lawyers.
RDL Wait! In one part of the bible one of Jesus's followers asks why they spend so much food and money on him when they could be feeding the starving poor. Jesus responds by saying that he will not be around forever; while there will always be poor...
GOD I'm leaving.
RDL BUT! One of the messages of the bible is to "love your neighbor as you love yourselves" .. I don't get it.. should we all let ourselves starve?? And what's up with the rule about not wearing clothing made out of two types of material?
GOD A curse on you and your website.
RDL Ah, crap.

Interview with God II
By: Redlow.net

Well, after God left in a mad rage spouting out ancient curses at us, we were a little on edge here at Redlow.net. For a half a day everyone refused to move a muscle in anticipation of the foul curse that would surely come upon us. Swarms of locusts, our water cooler filling up with blood, unexplicable server crashes, all the lab rats scampering free and spreading disease, something.

So, when the phone rang late in the evening, we nearly had a heart attack. When we answered it, we were surprised to find one of God's representatives on the other end. He wanted to take another shot at the interview!

There were certain restrictions, of course. His team of lawyers would have to sit in on the interview to advise him and force us to back off on questions he couldn't - or wouldn't - answer. So, the next day, we all met at the local 711 to sit down and chat over a selection of slurpees.

Redlow.net (RDL) Once again, God, I'd like to thank you for this opportunity. Being allowed one interview is something in itself, but a second interview! Surely this is unprecedented and indeed, a divine miracle!
GOD Think nothing of it. With my lawyers here to advise me, I feel more comfortable conducting this interview, and am certain things will go more smoothly this time around.
RDL Surely. Let me begin where we had left off.
GOD Of course.
RDL With your lawyers here, perhaps you can answer the question I posed that ended our previous interview so ah.. abruptly. Many have always wondered - myself included - which religion is the right religion?
Lawyer 1 (whispers aside to God)
GOD While I cannot - and will not - say which religion is right due to moral obligations and the fact that annoucing the correct religion would no doubt lead to mass hysteria and warfare, I can, however, tell you which religions are NOT right.
RDL Under the circumstances, I suppose that will have to suffice.
GOD The most obvious is those accursed aetheists. Fools, the whole lot of them. Here I sit, being interviewed by Redlow.net and yet they still go on refusing to believe in me.
RDL If I may - a lot of that can be attributed to the facts that very few even know this site exists and of course, many viewers no doubt are under the impression that this interview is a fabrication.
GOD Blasphemy! Who says such things?! I shall smite them with righteous vengeance!
RDL It was my understanding that you were a forgiving, accepting God. I thought you loved everyone and forgave them for their sins?
GOD I SHALL CRUSH THOSE WHO FAIL TO SEE THE LIG-
Lawyer 3 (whispers aside to God)
GOD Ahem. That is.. to say, rather.. No comment.
RDL Are there any other religions that are off base?
GOD Oh yes - many. The biggest are those crazy Satan worshippers. What are they thinking? I mean, for crying out loud - there is no Hell! There isn't even a Satan or Devil or Lucifer or whatever name you people call him. That whole talk in the Bible of him is just to keep you people in line. Why, if half the people of Earth knew th-
Lawyer 2 Erm.. ahem..
GOD Oh. Err.. He exists. Don't worship him though, please. Worship me. For I am the Lord, God, creator of all things.
RDL That brings me to my next question, actually. Something equally on the minds of all people of Earth. If you are the creator of all things, did you create yourself? If not, who created you?
GOD I was not created by myself or anyone or anything else. I just am.
RDL But.. that does not make sense. What is your purpose? What is the purpose of creating us? What is the purpose of us being alive?
GOD To learn and to grow.
RDL Why don't you just teach us?
GOD You must learn it on your own. You must progress. If I were to tell you everything about everything, your minds would not be able to contain it all. And you would die.
RDL That's a crock of shit. You could teach us how to expand our minds first, and then teach us everything about everything. Oh, but wait.. then you wouldn't be greater than us.. we would be your equals I suppose.
GOD This interview is over.
GOD (stands up)
RDL Oh calm down, God. I'm just jostling you.
GOD (sits back down)
RDL That's better. So, are you married? Got a girlfriend?
GOD I love one and all. I have no need for a wife, as all of humanity and creation is my wife.
RDL In other words, No, you don't. Neither do I. Why haven't you provided me with one? Geez. I've never done anything to intentionally hurt someone. Don't I deserve a woman to love me?
GOD You are not looking where you should.
RDL Pff.. you make things too hard. You're always so damn cryptic. There should just be some huge list of women and men paired up so we know who we should be with.
GOD I thought this interview was about internet and technology..
RDL You could put the list on the internet.
GOD That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. And believe me, I've heard a LOT of stupid things.
RDL Hey, you know what? I hear there's a potato growing in the shape of Elvis out in Idaho. Maybe I'll go worship THAT! Whatdya think of that, God? Huh?
GOD This interview is over.
GOD (stands back up)
RDL Oh come on, don't be such a snob. I was only kidding.
GOD A plague on your website, infidel. May jackels devour your soul!
RDL ahh.. God dammit.

Interview with God III
By: Redlow.net

Things here at Redlow.net have been a little hectic the past couple of days. Ever since God stormed out of the 711 we had met him in, spouting out curses and predicting jackals would devour our souls (and believe me - we have a lot of souls here), it just.. hasn't been the same here. Why, just yesterday our water cooler exploded, spraying our poor janitor with cold water and shards of broken glass. Later, police investigators would reveal that it was due to a break in the jar.. but we're not so sure.

We're a little scared and unsure what the future will bring us. Two interviews with God.. both ending in biblical-like prophecies of utter doom. Any other website would break. But not us, despite the fear we carried on. But what would lurk ahead no one could predict...

Earlier today we yet again recieved a call from Heaven. This time we spoke with another representative of God, who said he was the Arch Angel, Michael. Apparently, Arch Angel is something akin to a FBI Agent in Heaven. He had a lot to say to us, and below is the transcript.

Redlow(RDL) Yello?
The Arch Angel, Michael(AAM) Hello. This is a courtesy call from Heaven. I am the Arch Angel, Michael. Could I please speak to the owner of the website Redlow.net?
RDL This is he. What can I do for you, Michael?
AAM I have been instructed by my employer, God, to deliver a final request - an ultimatum if you will - before The Lord God unleashes his righteous wrath upon you, your team, and your headquarters.
RDL Oh yeah? A request? That sounds doable. What is it you need?
AAM You must pray, ye who has lost your way. Pray to God to forgive you for your sins so that you may be brought back to the right path. For you are a lost sheep; let the Lord God be your shepard.
RDL Huh? I'm not a sheep.
AAM ...
RDL Hello?
AAM Are you toying with me?
RDL Uh, No...
AAM Lost sheep was a figure of speech.. one that is often used in the Holy Bible.
RDL Sheep, eh? Does that mean some hick farmer will be grabbing me an-
AAM Just.. *sigh* .. Forget the sheep part, okay?
RDL Sure.
AAM Well?
RDL Sorry, what was the rest?
AAM Gah! We waste our time on you, I fear. Nevertheless - bow down and pray. Pray to God to forgive you for your sins.
RDL But.. wait. I thought Jesus died on the cross to forgive us for our sins.
AAM He did. But he forgave humanity as a whole for their sins, not the individual.
RDL Huh? What sin has humanity as a whole ever commited? Did I miss it? Did we all unamiously agree one day to steal poor Timmy's lunch money? Did we all simultaneously scream out profanities against each other?
AAM You are impossible. But just remember - we gave you a chance. When the wrath of God comes upon you, it will be your own doing.
RDL No - wait! Really, I'm being serious. I just want some answers!!
*click*
RDL Hello?
*duuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn....*
RDL Hello?
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up the reciever and dial the number.
RDL Helllloooo??
If you'd like to speak with an operator, please press zero on your number pad.
RDL *presses zero*
Operator This is the operator, how may I assist you?
RDL I'd like to make a call to Heaven, please.
OP ...
RDL Hello?
*click*
RDL Well, dammit.

Well, there you have it. I'm not sure what the powers that be have in store for us, but we shall soon find out. May God have mercy on our souls. And not make me give them back.

Foot note: Later that week, we felt his vengeance. In the form of banners spread across the site like a plague, advertising everything from Amazon.com to the United Way. Some of us here at Redlow.net say He is still up there.. watching us. Waiting to unleash his next plague on us all.

Anal